I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
