I think my fart just growled at me.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
