My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
