The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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