i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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