i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
