I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
