note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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