I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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