Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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