Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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