If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
