ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
