took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
