a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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