Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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