Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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