I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
