I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
