It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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