my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize