apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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