Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
