my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
