not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
