im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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