imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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