dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
