i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
