I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Drunk is a universal language darling
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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