12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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