Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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