My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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