From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
