Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
barbara walters just said penis...
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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