I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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