We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
