Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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