Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My life is pants optional.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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