I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
