You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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