I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
