Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize