i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
