I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
