She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize