I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
