party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
