be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
