Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
