with your own penis?
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
