I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We need to rekindle our bromance
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize