Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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