I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
