Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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