By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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