Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
