Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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