I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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