Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
