there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
